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All to discuss with me, because his wife of 18 years, threatened to leave him if he doesn’t stop, don’t blame her all the time. He admitted that often they accuse her in different situations. He gave her debt if she thought she made a mistake in thinking that he is wrong about something, when they feel, or even if I had a bad day at work. He accused her to ask him, he did not know the answer.

He would sometimes even blame her as his golf game was gone. Blaming her whenever he considers that the Court, or if it doesn’t get its approval. Although quite admitted that he was her fault, he couldn’t stop, and had no idea why its blame.

When they had different situations with Allen examined, it became clear that he was not only guilty of his wife was.

Allen was constantly guilty and judge for yourself. Itself for errors, he said things like, “I’m a Dick” beat and often said he was orally very negative things itself, such as, “things are never fully,” “I’m just a loser” or “I’m a big disappointment.” Then he felt angry and upset as a result of the abuse itself, but he never joined his anger with his own judgment. Instead, he would dump his anger on his wife, or to the other drivers on the highway.

It became clear, Allen, that he wouldn’t be able to stop his wife until he stopped, accusations and judge for yourself to blame. The dependence of the blame on the other was a direct result of his patient to masturbation.

The problem was that Allen learned very požitkářští related to his thoughts. Let your ideas spread, never stopping to distinguish or what he said was true or false.

As a result, he had to constantly the wounded part of himself, his own ego, in command. And this part of his was filled with all the lies that he learned in 46 years of his life.

All gasped when he realized that his anger on the other he really angry with myself was just unforgivable.

He was on the other, what he do it yourself. He saw that he was particularly sensitive to others judgment, was because he was so famous.

When we examined why it was so self-abusive Allen, realized that he believes that if enough get control him, “Okay”. He realized that it is not true about the experience, which was to play tennis.

“I played last Wednesday and I had a really good mood. I was just to play for the fun of it, rather than to play well and I played my best game ever! The next day I played even worse than after a long period of time. I realized that it had done so well in the Centre, now I want to control and Thursday. As I’ve tried to check it out, I lost it.

I want to stop now, but I did it in my life. How do I stop it? ”

Stop all the dependency is always a challenge. If you are using our thought process is especially challenging. However, there is a process, but it works only in the event that you want to change. The change of self-abusive to self-loving must be more important than endeavour to continue working by their own judgment.

1. pay attention to your feelings. Learn how to be aware of when you feel angry, pain, fear, fear, guilt, no shame, depression, and so on.

2. make a conscious choice for more information about what you are saying is the cause of your pain, instead of ignoring it, as regards the substance or process dependencies, or continue to abuse themselves.

3. do you think, “what I say, that is the cause of me feel bad?” Once you are aware of what you are saying, ask yourself, “I am sure that what I say is true, or it just something I have created is up?” Then ask yourself, “what I was trying to verify that?”

4. Once you know that they are a lie to make you feel bad that causes and tell why you say to yourself, please at the highest, the smartest part of yourself questions, or ask your inner teacher or a source of spiritual guidance, “what is truth?” You honestly want to know the truth, you’ll come.

5. change your thinking, now.

6. Notice how you feel. It is located will make you feel bad, while true internal peace always bears. You are not at peace, at any time through this process to find out what is happening in you. Finally, with enough practice, you will in truth and in peace, more and more time.

Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn’t stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him questions when he didn’t know the answer.

He would sometimes even blame her if his golf game was off. He always blamed her when he felt judged by her, or when he didn’t get her approval. While he freely admitted that he blamed her, he couldn’t seem to stop, and he had no idea why he blamed her.

As I explored various situations with Allen, it became apparent that he was not just blaming his wife.

Allen was constantly blaming and judging himself. He would verbally beat himself up for mistakes, telling himself things like, “I’m such a jerk,” and would often say very negative things to himself, such as, “Things will never get any better,” or “I’m just a loser,” or “I’m a big disappointment to myself.” He would then feel angry and agitated as a result of abusing himself, but he never connected his anger with his self-judgment. Instead, he would dump his anger on his wife, or yell at other drivers on the freeway.

It became apparent to Allen that he would not be able to stop blaming his wife until he stopped blaming and judging himself. His addiction to blaming others was a direct result of his self-abuse.

The problem was that Allen had learned to be very self-indulgent regarding his thoughts. He let his thoughts run rampant, never stopping to discern whether or not what he was telling himself was the truth or was a lie.

As a result, he was constantly allowing the wounded part of himself, his ego self, to be in charge. And this part of him was filled with all the lies he had learned in the 46 years of his life.

Allen was appalled when he realized that all his anger at others was really his anger at himself for abusing himself.

He was projecting onto others what he was doing to himself. He saw that he was especially sensitive to others’ judgment because he was so judgmental of himself.

As we explored why Allen was so self-abusive, he realized that he believed that if he judged himself enough, he could have control over getting himself to do it “right.” He realized this wasn’t true by an experience he had playing tennis.

“I played last Wednesday and I was in a really good mood. I was just playing for the fun of it, rather than to play well, and I played my best game ever! The very next day I played worse than I have for a long time. I realized that, having done so well on Wednesday, I now wanted control over doing as well on Thursday. As soon as I tried to control it, I lost it.

I want to stop doing this, but I’ve been doing it my while life. How do I stop?”

Stopping any addiction is always a challenge. Changing our thought process is especially challenging. However, there is a process available, but it will work only when you really want to change. Changing from being self-abusive to self-loving has to become more important to you than continuing to try to control yourself through your self-judgments.

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Learn to be aware of when you are feeling angry, anxious, hurt, scared, guilty, shamed, depressed, and so on.

2. Make a conscious decision to learn about what you are telling yourself that is causing your pain, rather than ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, or continuing to abuse yourself.

3. Ask yourself, “What am I telling myself that is causing me to feel badly?” Once you are aware of what you are telling yourself, ask yourself, “Am I certain that what I’m telling myself is the truth, or is it just something I’ve made up?” Then ask yourself, “What am I trying to control by telling myself this?”

4. Once you are aware that you are telling yourself a lie that is causing you to feel badly, and why you are telling it to yourself, ask the highest, wisest part of yourself, or ask an inner teacher or a spiritual source of guidance, “What is the truth?” When you sincerely want to know the truth, it will easily come to you.

5. Change your thinking, now telling yourself the truth.

6. Notice how you feel. Lies will always make you feel badly, while the truth brings inner peace. Any time you are not in peace, go through this process to discover what lie you are telling yourself. Eventually, with enough practice, you will be in truth and peace more and more of the time.

Carole started counseling with me because she was depressed. She had been ill with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time and believed her depression was due to this. In the course of our work together, she became aware that her depression was actually coming from her negative thinking – Carole was a constant worrier.

Many words out of her mouth centered around her concerns that something bad might happen. “What if I never get well?” “What if my husband gets sick?” “What if I run out of money?” (Carole and her husband ran a very successful business and there was no indication that it would not go on being successful). “What if my son gets into drugs?” “What if my kids don’t get into good colleges?” “What if someone breaks into the house?”

Her worry was not only causing her depression, but was also contributing to her illness,

if not actually causing it. Her worry caused so much stress in her body that her immune system could not do its job of keeping her well. Yet even the awareness that her worry was causing her depression and possibly even her illness did not stop Carole from worrying. She was addicted to it.

She was unconsciously addicted to the sense of control that worry gave her.

I understood this well because I come from a long line of worriers. My grandmother’s whole life was about worrying. She lived with us as I was growing up and I don’t remember ever seeing her without a look of worry on her face. Same with my mother – constant worry. Of course, I picked up on it and also became a worrier. However, unlike my mother and grandmother, who worried daily until the day they died, I decided I didn’t want to live that way. The turning point came for me the day my husband and I were going to the beach and I started to worry that the house would burn down and my children would die. I became so upset from the worry that we had to turn around and come home.

I knew then that I had to do something about it.

As I started to examine the cause of worry, I realized that worriers believe that worry will stop bad things from happening. My mother worried her whole life and none of the bad things she worried about ever happened. She concluded that nothing bad happened because she worried! She really believed that she could control things with her worry.

My father, however, never worried about anything, and nothing bad ever happened to him either. My mother believed that nothing bad happened to my father because of her worry! She really believed until the day she died (from heart problems that may have been due to her constant worry) that if she stopped worrying, everything would fall apart. My father is still alive at 92, even without her worrying about him!

It is not easy to stop worrying when you have been practicing worrying for most of your life. In order for me to stop worrying,

I needed to recognize that the belief that worry has control over outcomes is a complete illusion. I needed to see that, not only is worry a waste of time, but that it can have grave negative consequences on health and well-being. Once I understood this, I was able to notice the stomach clenching that occurred whenever I worried and stop the thought that was causing the stress.

Carole is in the process of learning this. She sees that her worry makes her feel very anxious and depressed. She sees that when she doesn’t worry, she is not nearly as fatigued as when she allows her addiction to worry to take over. She sees that when she stays in the moment rather than projecting into the future, she feels much better. The key for Carole in stopping worrying is in accepting that worry does not give her control.

Giving up the illusion of control that worry gives us not easy for anyone who worries. Yet there is an interesting paradox regarding worry.

I have found that when I am in the present moment, I have a much better chance of making choices that support my highest good than when I’m stuck thinking about the future. Rather than giving us control, worry prevents us from being present enough to make loving choices for ourselves and others. Worrying actually ends up giving us less control rather than more!